Mini Thoughts: The Lover's Dictionary

So, in the last 7 hours, I've read and reread The Lover's Dictionary... THRICE. Hell, that book is amazing. And because it has no actual chronological sequence, you can keep reading it over and over and over.... You never need to stop.

I think my favorite at this moment would be reservation.

Or maybe it's lover. 

Or maybe it's just aloof.

I've been missing the mam again. I got really upset in the evening. I tried to write a song about her and how great it would be to leave. I did and I sent it to Llama. I don't know, I let her hear the song. I just... wished she'd say something more. 

Maybe she's right and I'm just lonely.

I wish she was right.

Mini Thoughts: June 8

I just want to say it's June 8 today.
It's one day after D-Day.
And I'm still alive.

Wow.

Mini thoughts: Every Day

Was bored yesterday, so I made some handwritten Every Day typography.

A Nice Surprise: Mini Thoughts

So happy my mother gave me a surprise by getting me The Good Luck of Right Now. Matthew Quick, awesome author!

Death: Mini thoughts

My grandmother's dying.
And I can't breathe.
Hyperventilating.
As always.
Breathing faster and faster.
As if every breath I take is hers,
Hoping with all my heart
It wouldn't be her last.
Hoping she breaths many many more breaths
In the years to come.
Hoping she isn't that lady before me
Skin getting paler
And breath
Getting lighter.
But you see
The thing about hope
Is that it's a mirage for disappointment.

Blatant and Obvious: Mini Thoughts

Recently I've been camp. And I felt lonely.

I've been with this group of people for close to two years now and I was quite close till someone broke a promise and leaked out my anxiety. But this December I plucked up my courage to join this camp with them so maybe I'd get close again.

But then I was sick and I even had panic attacks during these few days.

When I show it to people I trust (or used to now), they just seem too busy to give a shit. One's always with her boyfriend, the other two always playing, and the other always on his phone. The one who does care is busy too nowadays with camps and all. I feel bad bothering her or talking to her.

Yet when I try to hide it, my best friend, of which I don't even see face to face, can feel my sadness and anxiety. And this bothers me. If someone I don't even see and talk less to recently can feel me, why can't the people of which I am blatantly bothered in front of see it?

The Freak: Mini Thoughts

I'm sorry but tonight I am extremely bothered. I just don't understand why people don't understand. They look at me, freaking out, having a panic attack, hyperventilating. Yet all they ever do is stare and stab me over and over and over again, because those looks are like daggers. What I see aren't looks of empathy or looks of worry, I'm seeing ANGRY people or scared people.

They stare at me like I'm a freak.

Yeah, that's what they call people who freak out at weird stuff like cars or noise or crowds. It's not "normal". They look at me and I can hear them laughing inside, taunting me. They look at me and they judge. They look at me, and that's all they ever do. No one comes forward to help. Ever.

Because it seems, nowadays, that's not "normal".

I'm Scared: Mini Thoughts

This morning I went a little crazy with my anxiety levels shooting sky high. I've been having nightmares about the car again. Zooming past and smashing into me. It really did happen, by the way, a red taxi nearly hit me while I was crossing a bend. I ended up diagnosing all the phobias I had. By the time I had finished "A", I already had 7 different phobias. Here's the list:

1. Agateophobia — Fear of Insanity
2. Agyrophobia — Fear of Crossing Roads
3. Acrophobia — Fear of Heights
4. Agoraphobia — Fear of crowds
5. Amnesephobia — Fear of Amnesia/Forgetting
6. Arsonophobia — Fear of Fire
7. Autophobia — Fear of Loneliness
8. Catalagophobia — Fear of being ridiculed in public
9. Dentophobia — Fear of Dentists
10. Hylephobia — Fear of Materialism/Epilepsy
11. Hypnophobia — Fear of Getting Hypnotized
12. Iatrophobia — Fear of Doctors
13. Lygyrophobia — Fear of Loud Noise
14. Nosocomephobia — Fear of Hospitals
15. Nosophobia — Fear of being ill
16. Ochophobia — Fear of vehicles
17. Ophthalmophobia — Fear of being stared at
18. Photoaugliaphobia — Fear of bright lights
19. Soteriophobia — Fear of being dependant on others
20. Tremophobia — Fear of trembling
21. Trichophobia — Fear of hair

Oh and anapnophobia sometimes too, which is the fear of breathing. This will be activated every time I have a panic attack. But yeah, this is my little list of strange phobias I have. Isn't it strange how some people have so few... It's a miracle how brave they really are.

The Last Page of a Book: Mini Thoughts

I was just flipping through my old notebooks that day when I came across this one page that intrigued me yet again. It was a page about, as the title suggests, the last pages of books.

I guess, finishing a book really takes a lot of effort sometimes, especially if it's dry or slow. But in the process, finishing the book can really show your resilience. Also, reading the last page of a book, especially if it's dry, gives you this sense of accomplishment that you've completed something. And it's just so wonderful when books leave you with a powerful parting message or really, it just leaves you hanging.

It is a happiness I cannot express: The joy of reading.

Chaos: Mini Thoughts

Chaos isn't all that bad.

One cannot experience true happiness without sadness; One cannot truly appreciate love without neglect; One cannot truly feel alive if they haven't been near death. You see, chaos gives experience. Experience brings appreciation. And all this can be built on to achieve success.

Furthermore, chaos shows you the human spirit. In desperate times, you can see how people really are. Would you friend sacrifice himself? Or would he sacrifice you? Chaos brings the test to the highest level.

Sometimes, Chaos can be beautiful. Take Jackson Pollock for example: His works are merely buckets of splattered paint. Yet, they are beautiful buckets of splashed paint. Perhaps, chaos is but an unorganised mess, waiting to be fixed.

Chaos is waiting.

Jackson Pollock's work: Do you see the beauty?

Knowing Isn't Comforting: Mini Thoughts

Every day, not ever missing it once, you always ask if I'm okay.

Truth is, sometimes — most of the time actually — I'm not. But I just reply "Yeah, I'm good" and add an extra smiley emoji behind. I don't want to harm you or hurt you, I don't want you to always feel down when you're with me. But you and you're magic mind, you always seem to be able to read between the lines, see behind that smiley face, feel behind those words. You always know how I'm feeling. I'm sorry, I never dared to tell them to your face. But it leaves me wondering.

What can I do, even if I know you're not okay?

Duality of the Soul: Mini Thoughts

In every story there is a protagonist and an antagonist. The good always wins the bad.

The knight slays the dragon, the angel beats the demons, the good old office guy gets the girl instead of the evil used-to-be popular hunk. But probably not in this one.

I've learnt from a certain man that sometimes, you fight the bad guy for so long, you end up becoming the bad guy who realises he was so wrong. Maybe a demon wasn't always a demon, maybe an angel wasn't always an angel. Things happen and people change.

And I guess, that's not too bad.

Plot Twists: Mini Thoughts

Nowadays, plot twists have become so cliche that you even have to plot twist a plot twist. It seems people never really talk about the normal things that most people experience: the harsh reality of life. The reality that sometimes people don't change for the better. The reality that sometimes you weren't meant to be with someone.

The reality that he's not that person who would miraculously recover from his illness.